Please rescue my song

I don’t play any musical instruments. I’ve never been invited to sing in the church choir.

I have written a few songs though. Actually, I’ve tried to write a few songs. I get inspired, write some lyrics, and then… Well, nothing else happens. I get distracted by work and family and questions about leprechauns, and my little song lies forgotten. Abandoned like the Jonas Brothers after the coming of Justin Bieber.

I need your help. Can you tell me if you think the song is any good? Can you suggest ways to make it better? Can you get it into Carrie Underwood’s hands so I can retire and live off the royalties of her next hit single?

You can be brutally honest if you think my little ditty stinks to high heaven. I have a co-worker who regularly tells me that he’s going to punch me in the jugular, so I’m pretty thick-skinned.

“ETERNITY”

Verse 1

I’m living in the shadow
of a forgotten tomorrow.
It’s my love of today
that has caused all my sorrow.

Why can’t I see
the glories of the day up ahead?
When the bride and the bridegroom
are eternally wed.

Chorus

Eternity.
It’s where I want to be.
Eternity.
It’s all my eyes can see.

The time I’ll be with Jesus.
The place I’ll be with Him.
My life will last forever.
Not stained at all by sin.
God rules eternity.

Verse 2

I can almost picture it
if my imagination runs free.
Transcendent Son upon His throne,
Lamb crucified for me.

Angels soar by the thousand
‘round the Ancient of Days.
Winged heralds join the chosen ones
in songs of endless praise.

Chorus

Eternity.
It’s where I want to be.
Eternity.
It’s all my eyes can see.

The time I’ll be with Jesus.
The place I’ll be with Him.
My life will last forever.
Not stained at all by sin.
God rules eternity.

Come on songwriters. Load up my comments with suggestions!

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18 Responses to Please rescue my song

  1. Tim says:

    That’s beautiful.

  2. Gary says:

    Great lyrics – it might sound good to the tune of Purple Haze. We need more rockin worship!

  3. JC says:

    Really good. I would change one line, though. The last line of the first part of the chorus reads, “It’s all my eyes can see.” It seems contradictory to the first verse, and to reality. I would word it, “Give me eyes to see!” or, if you need more syllables, “Give me eyes so I can see.”
    But, I don’t think Carrie Underwood is going to do it. But someone could.

  4. David Wilson says:

    Jerry, VERY good suggestion. I think that change would make for a real improvement. Thanks so much!

  5. DM says:

    I like it! Don’t mean to be picky, but I’d change the 4th line of the chorus to: It’s all my heart can see

    Do you have music to it or a tune?

    God bless you!

    • David Wilson says:

      DM,

      Thanks for the kind remarks and the contribution. You’re the second person to suggest something for that line, so that looks like something I should address.

      No tune for it to date. Maybe someone will get inspired…

      Dave

  6. Teri says:

    I like the addition by JC (Whoever that is, LOL) This song is too short needs a bit more lyric content and I hear stringed instruments and a tune that builds as you near the chorus.
    Great song, I can’t wait to hear it. Get in touch with Renee She can make this happen.

  7. David Wilson says:

    Teri,
    I’m taking your comment that the song is too short as a compliment. If it was crappy, it would seem too long, no matter how few words there are.

    I’d love to hear Renee’s thoughts.

  8. Nay says:

    The chorus is promising. The verses seem to be a bit tough to navigate when putting them to a tune. Overall, I like the imagery.

    • David Wilson says:

      I can see that the lines of the chorus has varying numbers of syllables. It that part of what’s “tough to navigate?”

      Thanks Renee,
      Dave

      • Nay says:

        Yes. I’m no expert but consistency in the syllables seems to be important because a tune is often determined by them. (Unless you write the music first – then the syllables can be determined by the tune). I usually have to come up with a rough draft of what I want the verses to say and then adjust according to the melody.

      • David Wilson says:

        Very helpful. Thanks again Renee!

  9. Susan {the wife :) } says:

    Dave,
    I would hold out for Mark or Steven Altrogge . . . see what they say . . . maybe they can get it into Sovereign Grace Music !!?? Hopefully they have not responded because they don’t like it ???
    ~Susan
    P.S. Sorry Mark and Steven if I misspelled your last name 😦 Please don’t hold it against me!

  10. Hey Dave, I’m honored you would ask me for my input. Here are a few thoughts –

    Your theme is wonderful and one that believers need to think about. So it’s great that you wrote a song about it.

    You have some really poetic thoughts – Like the first 4 lines of v1 and all of v2- really great!

    Great concrete images in verse 2.

    Verse 1 has an element of sadness and frustration to it – you are lamenting that you don’t keep your eyes on eternity and that causes you sorrow. Yet for the rest of the song you are very positive – It’s where I want to be…It’s all my eyes can see…I can almost picture it, etc. If your theme is “Eternity – It’s where I want to be” maybe try a verse about why you want to be there, like verse 2 is. Maybe it could be a verse about this world and its sorrows make you long for heaven.

    I think that if you made the song more about Jesus and being with him forever (like lines 5 and 6 of the chorus) and looking on his glory and enjoying him it could be stronger. The idea of “eternity” is a little abstract and a little bit hard to focus my mind on. The line “Eternity. It’s all my eyes can see” seems a little vague to me. In a sense, we don’t “see” eternity. I know I’m being picky, but we want to give people concrete images if possible, like you do really well in verse 2.

    The last line of the chorus: “God rules eternity” seems like you suddenly introduce a new subject. You’re talking about being with Jesus forever and then you suddenly make the statement about God ruling eternity.

    Maybe I’m missing it, but I can’t make out a clear metric scheme in the verses.

    This part of the chorus has a clear metric scheme:

    The time I’ll be with Jesus.
    The place I’ll be with Him.
    My life will last forever.
    Not stained at all by sin.

    Lines 1 and 3 are the same as are lines 2 and 4. That kind of clear metric scheme is what I’d shoot for in the verses.

    It’s important that all the verses match in terms of the metric scheme. So when you’re writing a song, whatever scheme you come up with, you need to make all the verses the same.

    So – I think you have some really good things going here, worth working on. Hope you’re not discouraged. Lots of times Bob Kauflin, Steve Cook and others send me back to the drawing board – a song I submitted for the Resurrection album Sovereign Grace is planning to release soon went through around a dozen revisions lyrically and musically. Also, I submitted around 12 songs for consideration, and most of them didn’t make it…just part of the process.

    If you would prefer to not have these comments posted, feel free to remove them Dave.

    Mark

    • David Wilson says:

      Mark,

      Thanks so much for taking the time to give your input. Your comments are honest, instructive, and so very gracious.

      Not only did you provide real insights on how to improve the lyrics, but you gave a great example on how to critique or correct in a way that leaves the recipient with both a genuine assessment and a sense of hope for being able to improve.

      Thanks again Mark!

      Dave

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